Another Rite Of Passage or Just Glad To Be Alive

"TRYING TO STEAL A MINUTE
FROM A STINGY HANDS OF TIME
AND I’M TRYIN TO GET TO HEAVEN
BEFORE THEY HANG OUT THE CLOSIN SIGN
WORLD BLOWN PAST ME
AND WHAT HAVE I GOT TO SHOW
I’M JUST TRYIN TO STEAL A MINUTE
BEFORE IT’S TIME TO GO"

(Randall Bramblett from The Bright Spots)

Today's Chautauqua  concerns a recent health scare, another rite of passage, and a renewed sense of relief and appreciation of this gift we call life - all wrapped up together.  Without going into the unpleasant details, recently I have been having much pain and discomfort in my gut and it brought me to finally do something about it (I know, something about men not stopping to ask for directions yada, yada...).  Which led me to my most recent rite of passage.  I call my Blog, The Other Side of This Life because I am, and one of these rites of passage for anyone over 50 is the dreaded (for very good reason!) Colonoscopy.

Anyone who has been through this awful experience understands.  Those who have not, will eventually.
I'm not going to talk about this, but rather some feelings that led up to it.


As it turns out, I come from a long line of hypochondriacs on my fathers side (as my wife will remind me - often). So as my abdominal pain and discomfort intensified and I continued to ignore it, I knew something wasn't right and decided to do some research online.


Anyone who has ever done this, you know, go online for medical information, knows it took me about 30 seconds to diagnose myself with advanced stage colon cancer with less than 5 years to live.  Don't laugh, you've done that too I'm sure :-).

I'm not making light of this serious situation that so many people face, I'm simply telling my story.  As I pondered my possible early demise what I was really thinking of was my family: have I taken care of them if I can't be there? Emotionally, mentally, financially?  Are my 'ducks lined up' so they are?  What will they remember about me? Will there be tears of sorrow or a mixture of tears of joy as well? Was I a good dad? A good husband? Friend? Brother? Son?

The only one of these questions I can answer is the financial one - the only one that doesn't rely on what someone else thinks. I think that, yes, if I were to die of some disease or accident, my family would be taken care of.  The good news is, after my test, whatever will ultimately kill me, it's not likely to be colon cancer.

Which leads me to the real reason I'm writing this today. I have been thinking quite a bit about some people in my life that are going through some medical challenges that are indeed threatening their very lives.  One of them is my uncle, and the other two are friends and colleagues I work with at Wiley.  I am amazed, strengthened, and humbled by their courage and determination to beat these things.  All three couldn't be more different in their personalities, demeanor, or careers.  They have families, bills, demanding social and civic responsibilities, yet the one thing they all have in common is their sheer love and zeal for life and mostly, the intense and burning desire to live.  I think the statement that captures this best is from my friend Liz who has just kicked cancer's ass:

"I am just glad to be alive so I will take the burdens that come with that gift."

So the next time I'm getting ready to complain about my arthritis, or lower back pain, or work, money or family problems, I'm going to try (try I tell you!) to remember Liz' words.

As always, Peace, Love, and Great Music! 

If you want to change the world get over being a sugar cookie and keep moving forward

It's graduation season and all the commencement speakers are sharing their pearls of wisdom with the recently minted scholars who are ready to go out and change the world. Some of them will be successful, and many will fail.  

The other day I came across this commencement speech by Naval Admiral William H. McRaven, a former Navy Seal, who spoke at his alma mater, UT-Austin recently, entitled: 

Ten Life Lessons From A Navy Seal.  

Please read this article and then the commentary to follow will make far more sense.  

What does it really mean to go and "change the world"?  I'm going to be 54 this August and I've been thinking long and hard about what this means.  I'm coming to the conclusion that I've been thinking about this all wrong.  It's not the world that needs changing, but rather me.  Anyone who has read anything I've written, knows that I have come to define success differently than many people.  Successful people do many things, but the following two stand out: 

1. They finish what they start  2. They embrace the concept of sustainability.  The other important point is that successful people apply this to everything they do regardless of how important it may seem.  It's so easy to think that success only gets applied to big, important goals and achievements.  Not so.  Success comes from paying attention to the little things.  

"By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter."

This speech uses an extreme example of physical, mental, and emotional abuse to illustrate his points with the Navy Seal training.  However, the morals are absolutely transferable to each one of us. I sincerely doubt that I could withstand and pass these extreme training exercises and tests to become a Navy Seal.  That's a choice we can make: do I want to apply to Navy Seal training camp? No, thank you I don't. However, we don't get the choice as to whether we want to apply for Life Training Camp.  

Whether we like it or not, we all end up swimming with the sharks during 'hell week'. 

"You can’t change the world alone—you will need some help— and to truly get from your starting point to your destination takes friends, colleagues, the good                                               will of strangers and a strong coxswain to guide them."

What I take away from Admiral McRaven's speech is that the guys who quit the Navy Seal training camp are the one's who never figure out why they are there and what it's true purpose is. It's not to be first or to beat the other guys, or the system, or do something - anything perfect because it's very design makes this impossible.  It's purpose is to break one's spirit and get them to quit.  This, like life, has a similar purpose and that is to discover who you are and what exactly you are made of.  Are you tough enough to persevere? The purpose is not to win, but rather to finish.  You'll be surprised, like the Seals, how many people simply quit.  Sometimes just by not quitting you find out that you are the winner. 

"Those students didn’t understand the purpose of the drill. You were never going to succeed. You were never going to have a perfect uniform. 

Remember the old phrase you would sometimes hear from older people, "life is a circus"?  Growing up in a large family with 6 siblings, this was so true!  However the Seals have a different take on this idea.  It's more like the, 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' saying. The point is that perseverance through continuous adversity does indeed build character, strength and endurance even though you may feel like you are simply being punished.  

"But an interesting thing happened to those who were constantly on the list. Over time those students-—who did two hours of extra calisthenics—got stronger and stronger.

The pain of the circuses built inner strength-built physical resiliency.  Life is filled with circuses.  You will fail. You will likely fail often. It will be painful. It will be discouraging. At times it will test you to your very core."

My favorite though is #5  'If you want to change the world get over being a sugar cookie and keep moving forward'.  This one, combined with #10 is the real secret to success in anything you do.  At times, life is going to be unfair, cruel, unkind, ugly, brutal, unforgiving and just flat out mean. It will also be beautiful, exciting, exhilarating, fun, fabulous, and downright awesome.  You can't have flowers without rain; good times without bad; happiness without sadness; pleasure without some pain.  It's all the 'circus training' that prepares us for the long haul.  

"Sometimes no matter how well you prepare or how well you perform you still end up as a sugar cookie."

The only real question to ask yourself is, are you going to ring the bell or are you going to be the sugar cookie? 

 "All you have to do to quit—is ring the bell. Ring the bell and you no longer have to wake up at 5 o’clock. Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the freezing cold swims.

Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the runs, the obstacle course, the PT—and you no longer have to endure the hardships of training.

Just ring the bell."

#10. If you want to change the world don’t ever, ever ring the bell.

Note: All quotes are from, Naval Admiral William H. McRaven, 10 Life Lessons From A Navy Seal, speech delivered at UT-Austin 2014 commencement  

Carry On My Wayward Son & other vinyl memories of Christmas Past

It was Christmas morning and I had just turned 16 that previous August. I don't remember every detail, but I do know that I woke up that morning and came downstairs where my mom already had the coffee and orange juice ready.  Our Berrafato Christmas tradition involved Midnight Mass Christmas Eve so that Christmas morning could be spent hanging at home opening gifts and having breakfast.  Grandma & Grandpa B. would spend the night so we all could be here.  It was a big group even before girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses or grandkids.  Eleven in total when it was 'just the immediate family'.  I can't remember if Gab was with us this Christmas or whether he was already deployed in the Navy.  If he was, chances are he probably didn't get home until shortly before I woke up and was now in various states of a nasty hangover, and grumpy to boot. 

My father was a self employed attorney so money was often tight.  It was 'feast or famine' depending on who paid him when, and I don't know how he provided for us.  We  lived in a nice house and I never recall ever going without the essentials.  Even though as we got older the gift piles got smaller, how my mom was able to pull off one present filled Christmas after another - year after year - for all of us remains a real puzzle to this day.

As I surveyed my 'bounty', I saw what I already immediately knew was an album and I decided to open that one last.  There were the usual clothing articles, aftershave, and small but useful (and needed) grooming and fashion accessories, but then there was The Record!  Having just discovered the 'FM Dial' only a year or so previously, Kansas' Carry On My Wayward Son was at #11 on the Pop Charts and in heavy rotation on FM stations. 

I remember when I first started listening to the radio and I would hear a song I really liked.  It would seemingly 'burn a placeholder' in my brain and mark a period in my life - one that would always be instantly brought back front-and-center when I would hear that song.  I'd raid my piggy bank (a 45 record cost about $.69 cents in 1968 :-)  get on my bike and ride the 3 miles roundtrip to EJ Korvetts, where the record department was on the 2nd floor.  I'd buy my record and ride home as fast as I could and then play that baby non-stop.  During summer vacation when my family would spend the week at Sharenburg's White Lake Beach resort in Central Wisconsin we'd spend hours each day in the 'Game Room' and the central focus was of course, the Jukebox.  I'm sure I spent at least half of all the money I saved that year playing songs on that wonderful and joyful machine. 

Of course I'd come home and immediately start saving up to buy all those records over that fall.  This was the start of my serious music acquisition and has been on fire ever since! 

So back to that Christmas morning in 1976, as I tore the wrapping paper off the record and saw it was the new Kansas LP Leftoverture and knew THIS was going to be a great day!  (obviously one of my brothers helped my mom pick this out :-) 

Part of the immense joy I got back then from buying music was the process one had to go through to acquire it.  If you really want to see how much the world has changed regarding technology, think about how simple and instantaneous it is to buy music today.  I can literally do it in less than 30 seconds! (even while flying at 30,000 feet somewhere over Oklahoma!)  As I got older and my musical tastes evolved (or as some might argue - devolved ;-) I was no longer buying 45's, but rather 33 LP's.  This required going to different record stores and was far more expensive.  But I still got on my bike and would ride to Record City in Skokie (10 miles round trip) and of course do the EXACT same thing! 

This is just one of a dozen wonderful Christmas memories I have from my boyhood.   What are some of yours? 

Who doesn't want more stuff?

Somehow, completely unbeknownst to me, I have a subscription to Guitar Player magazine.  As I was flipping through the pages two immediate thoughts/impressions jumped out at me: First, I've never seen so much electronic wizardry in my life, let alone have ANY idea what anyone would possibly do with it.  Secondly, the players they profile are basically all technically gifted freaks of nature and most mortals who play can and never will be able to do ANYTHING these freaks can. 

How does ANY of this stuff make anyone a better guitar player?  However, the more important question is: Do they really NEED it? 

This got me to thinking about the fast approaching Christmas holiday season and the 'consumer orgy' that it has become. 

Dionysus

What Madison Avenue and Wall Street have done to this holiday would have Dionysus blushing. 

Even the God of Wine, Merry Making, Theater, and Ecstasy couldn't have imagined what we could accomplish with credit cards. 

Christmas means many things to many people, and even those who aren't religious or not even Christian find special meaning in the holidays.  Getting back to my point, how much more 'stuff' do any of us need?  I was thinking about how social media has become such an important part of our lives and being able to post photos of us having a good time has seemingly become more important than, well, actually having a good time!  I find myself guilty of missing the magic of the moment on occasion because I want to 'capture it' to post on my Facebook page. 

It's a real new and weird concept: that being how the opportunity for you to show people not with you what a great time they are missing, except that you actually missed it too because you were too busy trying to capture a photo to show them what a great time you're having and they aren't. I think this is a good metaphor for what happens to so many of us during this special Christmas / holiday time. 

We get so caught up in the 'buying stuff' and all the expectations surrounding the gift giving pressure that we often miss the opportunity to just experience the joy that may be as simple as sharing a meal, seeing a movie with friends, having a cup of coffee with a good book, or just hanging with the family or loved ones watching TV. 

Here is my wish for you this magical holiday season: May you stop the madness that is life these daze for just a spell and look at the people around you. Ask yourself, 'why are they around you?'  Hopefully the answer is because you chose to have them in your life.  Now, take some time to let them know why. 

Here's wishing you and your families a relaxing, safe, and blessed Christmas holiday season and may the new year bring you good health, lot's of laughter, happiness and prosperity. 

Peace and Love,

Markbear & family



Oh No Not the Bass solo!

On a recent trip to Chicago for a family wedding, I had the opportunity

during one of the many family gatherings to make a toast to a special person who has become a very important addition to my family, in an unusual way.  This lady is quiet, gentle, pretty, elegant, funny, soft-spoken, smart, caring, competent, and most important - very good at what she does.  All those years raising children, managing a household and loving a strong willed husband has presented her with many challenges and tremendous satisfaction.  Through it all she kept her composure, sense of humor, and just as important, her sanity.  The toast I made was, like most toasts, completely impromptu and in my inimitable style, I used a music analogy.

I got to thinking about the 'unsung hero's' of any great band. Everyone knows and loves the singers, and the lead guitarist or other lead instrumentalists take center stage.  The drummer's job in most bands is to keep time (unless you're the Who ;-), however the guy you never seem to hear or see is the bass player.  He/she is always seemingly tucked into a corner quietly, unnoticeably just doing their thing (whatever that may be).  The job of the bass player is to 'hold down the bottom end' of the groove allowing the other players to do their thing.  It is not an overestimation to say the bass player has the most crucial role in the band. Everyone in the band depends on the bassist's subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) lead. If the guitarist or saxophonist makes a mistake, hardly anyone will notice, but if the bassist makes a mistake, everyone in the band and the audience will instantly know that something is wrong. The Bass player links the harmony (chords) with the rhythm which determines whether it's the blues, rock, jazz, etc. 

I have two stunning examples of what I'm talking about here.  First, is James Jamerson known for his work over a 30 year period as bassist for the Funk Brothers - otherwise known as the band behind almost EVERY Motown record you ever heard.

James Jamerson

  Yea, that's him leading off the Temptations, My Girl. 

The other great example is the legendary Donald 'Duck' Dunn, who played bass with Booker T & the MG's.  'Duck' Dunn, along with mates Al Jackson and Steve Cropper as the studio band for Stax Records created the Memphis sound, which was the 'archrivals' to what the Funk Brothers were to the Motown Sound.  Yea, BOTH anchored by calm, cool bass players. 


This brings me back to Gerry.  This is the role Gerry is now playing in my family.  She's 'holding down the bottom end' that was once held by another very special lady - my mom.  She hasn't replaced her, heaven's no!  She has simply brought her unique 'voice' and style to a group of 'misfit toys' that was sorely in need of this sort of quiet, subtle, but strong and loving leadership.  May you continue to be blessed with good health, good humor, and surrounded with people who love you Gerry.  Thank you for all you do for the Berrafato's!

 

So my question to my dear readers is: Who is the 'unsung hero(s)' in your life? 

Find A Way

     Like so many of us, I was really captivated, mesmerized, and flat out astounded by the outrageous accomplishment of Diana Nyad earlier this week to swim the 110 miles from Cuba to Florida.  The tremendous and herculean physical effort and mental concentration is more than I can even comprehend.  I’m reminded of a quote from an article written by Richard Alleyne, Science Correspondent for the Telegraph in 2009, “There is a fine line between genius and madness because they share the same genes, scientists have found.”  

     Diana may have crossed this line to some extent, however her determination to achieve this goal (for whatever her reasons) is what so fascinates, intrigues, but most of all inspires me.   

     For better or for worse, we live in a world today where ‘instant gratification’ is the norm – we wait for nothing.  We buy things we can’t afford with borrowed money; e-mail and social networks have created an expectation of immediate response by both sender and receiver; smartphones are increasingly replacing human interaction; and worst of all is that this creates a false and highly inaccurate sense of expectation for success. 

     It would be easy to blame our youth for all this, but the truth is, my generation created this, and has simply passed it down to our children.  

     For Diana, this swim was a long-awaited triumph and was her fifth attempt since 1978, and her fourth since turning 60.  Through it all, Diana held her mantra close: "You don't like it. It's not doing well. Find a way."

Find a Way

     For me, as a professional sales person, one of the biggest goals I had was being Rep of the Year.  What makes this such a special award is that the winner is chosen by their peers.

     It took me 11 years to finally achieve it, and the irony is after about 4 years I stopped trying.  What I didn’t stop was trying to be the best damn sales person I could be.  Many times I was overcome with mind numbing detail work; soul killing loneliness from the nonstop travel; and there were always the steep and seemingly unachievable sales targets.   

Find a way. 

     I have never been one that feels the need to have to ‘prove’ something by undertaking some incredibly difficult and punishing physical endurance challenge.  However, having said this, I am one that regularly chooses activities that can and often are physically challenging and punishing.  

     The difference is probably somewhere in the goal(s) of why we do what we do.  Many of us simply cannot achieve extreme physical challenges because of limitations of our bodies.  For me, the arthritis in my knees and herniated disc in my lower back insures that I’ll never be able to run a marathon, but I have come up with other activities that still give me the cardiovascular and muscular workout that I want.  

Find a way

     To my beautiful and talented daughters, both of whom are on very different paths with significant and seemingly overwhelming challenges in front of you: 

Find a Way  

     To my wonderful and loving wife Cristin, also on her own uncharted and challenging journey, let Diana’s words ring loud and clear:

Find a way

     Finally for anyone reading this, set your goals, seek your fortune, pursue your happiness, and when shit happens,

Find A Way

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...

     It's really amazing how fast time seems to pass these days.  Each year I get older, the days, months and weeks just seem to fly by - literally.  A sign of just how old I am is that I tend to gauge time passage by mortgage payments.  How can it be due when I JUST paid the damn thing?  

Back at the scene of the accident

     Exactly one year ago today I set out for a long bike ride.  It was a hot, sunny, Georgia summer day and I hadn't decided where I'd ride, so I just rode.  I let the environment 'choose' my route by what road and direction feels good. That Saturday I ended up heading south and before I knew it, I was at a one mile mountain bike trail that loops around Pope High School here in East Cobb County. 

     I'd ridden this trail many times, however always counter-clockwise.  Well today I felt like 'mixing it up' and rode clockwise.  If you ride, you already know that this COMPLETELY changes a trail no matter how many times you've ridden it the other way.  It had rained hard the night before and the trail was wet. There is a rather steep part of the trail which I have no trouble climbing, however this time I was descending and although I didn't think I was moving that fast, the trail cut sharply to the right.  Just as I saw this, three very important things happened in less than a blink of the eye: First, the trail disappeared and a large tree filled my view; Secondly, I realized I couldn't stop or move out of the way of this tree; Thirdly, well, you know.  Smack!  

     My life didn't flash before my eyes before impact - it just happened.  I didn't black out or lose consciousness, but I was dazed, confused and nowhere near my bike.  I just laid there stunned, not yet grasping what just happened. I was by myself and the first thought that crossed my mind was, "God, I hope nobody saw that!" followed immediately by, "Oh God, nobody saw that! What if I can't get up?". Then finally, "What the hell am I going to tell Cristin?". Well, fortunately I was able to get up, do the old, 'anything broken?' check that boys learn to do early in life - nothing appeared to be broken, but I knew I hit that damn tree hard.  Fortunately my bike wasn't damaged because my body protected it from the tree, but I was hurt (my ribs) and knew I needed help, only I'm on a bike trail by myself miles from home.  

Fateful route 8/18/2012

     So I did what I had to do, which was walk my bike out of the trail to the street (it was TOO painful to ride) at which point I mounted it and began my 10 mile ride home.  Seeing as it was Saturday about 6:00pm, I knew that if I broke or fractured my ribs, I'd be in bad shape tonight and my only choice would be the ER so as I was passing a busy intersection I saw an Emergency Med clinic and I decided to go there.  Fortunately they were open and had an actual doctor there as well as an X-ray machine. The Doc took pics, and he couldn't make out any breaks or fractures, however he said I did severely bruise my ribs, along with my left kidney but he wanted to get a radiologist's opinion to be safe.  

     It was then that he said, "there is one thing that I'm concerned about".  He pointed to my X-Ray and said, "see this spot on your left lung?  I don't like that". My heart just skipped a beat and I realized I had stopped breathing. He said it's most likely a calcium deposit (maybe from a prior respiratory illness), but he wants it checked out.  So he wrote me a pain med prescription (which I NEEDED that evening) and sent me on my way (Cristin picked me up and we picked up my bike the next day).  What followed were the longest 4 days of my life waiting to hear from the radiologist. Luckily it was just that, a calcium deposit and nothing to be concerned with.  

My high school Senior Prom - 1978

     During those four days my life DID pass before my eyes - all 52 years of it.  I did have pneumonia when I was a baby and it almost killed me.  I fell off a 15 foot high retaining wall in Colorado - on my back - when I was 22; I fell off a 10 foot fence, rolling backward into a ditch when I was 34; when I was 49 I fell off a ladder - on my back - while trimming a tree in my yard. 

     My point here is (besides my guardian angels clearly working overtime) there are so many awful, devestating injuries I could have sustained (or even death) but other than a herniated disc and a wicked case of whiplash that still nags me 19 years later, apparently God is not through with me and has some other plans. 

     It took a full 6 months for my bruised ribs to heal and I've since 'gotten back on the horse that throwed me' and have ridden almost 1,000 miles.  I have learned some very valuable lessons as a result of this accident.  The most important being: First, there are forces at play that I don't understand, and although my faith in the Catholic Church has been shaken, my faith in God has not, and remains strong; Secondly, I'm so blessed to have a (mostly) healthy body and mind and I must take better care of both.  Finally, I have a more clear idea of what my purpose on this planet is and it all revolves around those people in my life who I love and care for - my family and friends.